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At 12 years old, for something as routine as having my wisdom teeth removed, my addiction began. From there, began a downward spiral of drug addiction, abuse, theft, jail, and an attempt on my life.
I entered treatment at a very young age to get help for addiction to prescription painkillers and speed. But that was just the beginning of my story. For the next several years I used opiates and crystal Meth as a means to get high and it lead to my first arrest. I was picked up for DUI and felony possession. As a result, I started an outpatient program in San Francisco, but I was unable to get clean. I tried everything to stay sober, even attending school. But my addiction was controlling my life. I became physically and emotionally abusive toward my loved ones and again wound up in treatment. I didn’t take my treatment seriously. I was dishonest with my family, with the staff, and with myself. Then, I found out I was pregnant.
Something changed in me when I got pregnant. Although I had debated terminating my pregnancy, I knew I had to keep my baby and I was motivated to be clean. However, my son’s arrival was not enough to keep me sober. I soon began using drugs again.
For quite some time, I tried to monitor my use of the painkillers for my son’s sake, but the addiction was too strong. And before long, the painkillers weren’t enough. I left my son with my parents and it was then that my addiction to crystal Meth picked up again. I would steal credit cards and jewelry from loved ones to support my habit. Eventually, I stopped coming home altogether and left my son with my mom for weeks at a time. With no where to go I hopelessly agreed to go to a program.
I was referred to MSW thru my parent’s insurance. They dropped me off there and I remember a distinct feeling of relief when I got there. It didn’t last long. After all I had been thru; I still didn’t comprehend the severity of my disease. I thought I could do it on my own—“quit cold turkey”, and I left residential treatment after 3 months. I returned to the streets—fully aware of the danger, but fully entrapped by my desire to get high. After a four day run of using drugs I returned to MSW, without my child, desperate for help and willing to go to any lengths to get sober. I spent my first 3 weeks back at MSW angry and full of self-hatred. One night I heard a woman’s share at a meeting and I was humbled. She spoke of holding onto her sobriety just one day at a time, and sometimes even an hour at a time. I was ready to let go.
I slowly began to work the program at MSW and I slowly began to turn my life around. I learned to love myself because the staff and community of other women at MSW showed me how. I began to find gratitude for what I have which made me realize what I could lose if I chose to go back to that lifestyle.
Today, I have healthy, happy relationships with my family and I am a good parent to my son. I am beyond thankful for MSW and the support it has provided me and my son. These are the hugest gifts I could ever have imagined to receive. More than anything, I’ve learned to honestly appreciate life and where I am today—sober.
Cassie
I came to MSW a mess of a human being. I really do not have the words to describe how I feel today as compared to the life I once led trapped in the destructive cycle of drug addiction. I started using Meth at the tender age of 14 and daily by the time I was 18 years old. It wasn’t until I got pregnant that I felt motivated to get clean. But even then, I wasn’t able to break the chains of addiction. I was in an abusive relationship and I kept using to numb the pain. After two failed programs and a stint of time separated from my child, I was desperate to get help. I entered the doors of MSW broken and devastated. I had lied to myself for so long that I started to believe there really was no hope for me, or a way out of the trap. I told myself that I was a drug addict and that somehow explained and justified my wasted life. I was more dead than alive and completely numb. And more than anything, I had no idea how to be a mother to my child.
I really wanted to change my life and I thought that just being at MSW would get me sober. But I realized that actually doing the work was what would get me sober and keep me sober. The MSW program taught me how to live again. MSW restored my faith in myself and gave me a peace and stability that can only be dreamt of.
One of the great things about MSW was going thru treatment with other moms. I couldn’t live with the thought that I wasn’t taking care of my son and this loving community of other women helped me beyond measure.
Today, I know how to take care of my child and myself one day at a time; in baby steps. I have clarity of mind to feel my natural motherly instincts. I am successful and happy and I have a future. I can see again and have restored faith in myself. I can look people in the eye and be proud. I can smile and enjoy even the smallest of simple pleasures.
I’m so thankful to MSW; they were such a blessing to me when I needed them most and continue to be a blessing today. After treatment I was able to live in Transitional housing. Being able to have a safe home for my child and me has allowed me the peace of mind to stay clean and be the mother my son needs me to be. MSW saved my life and for that I am eternally grateful.
Robyn
The MSW program has saved my life. I cannot begin to explain the sense of happiness that has been restored to my life. I am proud of who I am today.
My drug use began when I was a teenager. I started experimenting with pot and by the time I was in my 20’s I was smoking pot daily. Although it had no negative consequences then, my marijuana use led to more serious addictions. When I had completed my Master’s Degree and separated from my husband--I completely let loose and had a full blown cocaine addiction by the time I was 32 years old. I tried to stop using cocaine by attending NA and CA meetings, but I would show up at the meetings high on pot. While attending NA meetings, I met a man who introduced me to Meth, and very quickly I had a full blown meth addiction. A year later I lost my job. I tried out patient treatment and failed. I kept using until I got pregnant and remained clean until 3 months after my twin boys were born. I had tried to make a good decision by ridding my life of the man who encouraged my addiction. But the anxiety, fear and stress of being a single parent of two babies caused me to relapse. For the next year I was deep in my Meth addiction.
My addiction took me in and out of jail and I ended up homeless and alone. I was forced to give my parents temporary guardianship of my boys. All along the way I knew that my addiction was controlling my life, but I couldn't stop. When I was in jail for the last time I was offered a chance to go through treatment as part of Prop 36. I was referred to Marin Services for Women to complete a 120-day residential program and that’s exactly what I did. I saw MSW as freedom from jail and honestly, my life began at MSW.
I arrived there in December 2003 and right away my life finally began to change. Through the course of the program I regained the sense of personal integrity and responsibility necessary for me to stay off of drugs. I was determined to make this program work for me and to prove to my parents and to myself I had what it took to be a good parent to my boys. For the first time ever I was in control of my life and could honestly say that I was happy. I knew I had finally begun to conquer my drug addiction, and I owe that to the MSW program and staff.
I completed my residential program at MSW and moved into transitional housing where I remained for the next 10 months. I’ve been clean and sober for four years and I have never felt better. I have a great career and I’m co-parenting my boys with my parents. I got my life back at MSW and now it’s bigger and better than I ever thought it could be. It seemed I got everything I needed at MSW to have this incredible life of sobriety.
I’m so grateful to MSW for the help I received, so now, I’m focused on giving back to other women like me. I’m currently sponsoring 2 women who are living in MSW’s transitional housing and attending outpatient treatment at MSW. I know I have what it takes to be a role model to other women. I simply tell them, “if I can do it, you can do it.” It’s true. And MSW can help. If I can change my life from what it once was, so can anyone else.
Randi
I had a loving home growing up and my parents gave me everything, but alcoholism ran deeply in my family. As a result, I was 11 years old the first time I got drunk. It was the best feeling I had ever had.
My drinking didn’t stop. Eventually, I started experiencing blackouts, and later learned that they were a sign of alcoholism. Soon thereafter I started experimenting with drugs and continued various drugs until I was 19 when I was introduced to Meth—the drug that eventually ruled my life and took me to places I had never imagined.
Very quickly I became a slave to my addiction. My days revolved around getting and using drugs and in January 2005 I was arrested. My arrest turned out to be a blessing in disguise. As a result of Prop 36, I was given a chance to go to treatment with my 3 year old daughter. Being able to have her with me was so important.
Going into treatment was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I couldn’t manage to get through 2 hours without getting high and I couldn’t fathom 4 months, let alone a lifetime without drugs. I had long accepted that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict—that’s who I was, that was my only identity. I came into MSW emotionally, physically and spiritually broken.
After only a month at MSW I started to come out of the fog and something shifted. I started letting the other women into my soul and I let them love me. In turn, I began to love myself. Four months later I left residential and was able to go into transitional housing and began the outpatient program. This was such a necessity for me. I felt like a child experiencing the world for the first time, yet I knew I had MSW to hold my hand every step of the way.
In November 2005, tragedy struck when I lost by baby son. The women of MSW literally carried me through and for this I’m eternally grateful. Now, 2 ½ years after first starting my program here, life is so full. I just graduated from college, I have people in my life who genuinely love me and my daughter has a mother who is emotionally present for her. I could talk forever about the blessings I have in my life now because of the help I got at MSW.
Kelley
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